Morning Has Broken

I witness the mutual grooming of two pigeons from my home office window. They are oblivious to my presence and watchful eyes as their grooming culminates in mating. So must the gods witness the adventures of my heart and how they unfold into ecstatic flight.

"Suddenly my life was all about timing — all the right things said at all the wrong times, my past coming back way too fast and my future taking way too long to come home."

-Carrie Bradshaw’s lines in Season three of Sex and the City 

I am having a very difficult time controlling the urge to speak up about a particular matter. I keep reminding myself that it is not a good idea to say things when one is upset as it often leads to more harm being done than good. However, I will provide a "sneak preview" in the hopes that you will give it some thought…ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

Today someone analyzed my handwriting. It was an interesting and awkward experience. I guess what made it awkward was the revelation of a certain individual in my life being "a jerk." I can see how others in my life can perceive this individual as such. Sadly, certain actions, or lack of, have served as evidence for this perception. My lack of connection to others and to myself was also revealed to me. Needless to say, I was left with plenty of food for thought that must translate into corrective action.

Unos lloran, otros beben y cantan, otros pelean y otros ríen. Mientras tanto, la luna luce hermosa en su traje de gala. Hoy es noche de luna llena. Alguien una vez me comentó que en alguna cultura la gente acostumbra ver la luna a través de un anillo mientras se pide un deseo al verla así. Esta noche pido por ti, amiga mía, y todas las que hemos compartido tu dolor.

Two years ago my heart was about to be broken.

A year ago my heart was mending.

This year my heart waits. For what? I don’t know. 

Things are moving fast and intensifying again. Confusion permeates my thoughts and feelings. What should be the next step?

lovable vs. loving
loneliness vs. solitude
different vs. difficult
love vs. compatibility
talk vs. communication
flexibility vs. sacrifice
agreement vs. understanding

Una de las últimas tareas para mi clase de tanatología incluye la recomendación de ver la última conferencia de Randy Pausch, un profesor en Carnegie Mellon University que está en sus últimos meses de vida debido a que tiene cáncer del páncreas. No he tenido tiempo para ver la conferencia original, pero sí logré ver la versión corta de la conferencia y fue suficiente para cambiar mi actitud el día de hoy. Si tienes tiempo, te recomiendo mucho que veas los videos de su conferencia:

• versión corta (unos 11 minutos)
• versión larga (más de una hora)  

One afternoon, one event, about 150 people, many smiles, a flood of memories, including some rather painful ones.

–*–

No me alcanzaba el estambre ayer en el camión al regresar a casa. Venía haciendo una bufanda, que será para mí y no para vender como las demás que he hecho últimamente, y a la vez aguantándome las ganas de llorar. Detesté encontrarme en esa situación de sentir la necesidad de llorar y no estar en el lugar adecuado para ello. Pero qué tal en cuanto llegué a casa. Pobres gatos, creo que se espantaron. Hoy también lloré y no dudo que siga así lo que resta del mes. Oh well. And no, it’s not P.M.S. You could say I am learning about anniversary reactions in a very hands-on way.

–*–

It’s been a bizarre weekend. It felt great to have done everything on my to-do-list for today. Bien dicen que al que madruga, Dios le ayuda. I’m up since 5:30 a.m. I even managed to squeeze a nice, long nap in the middle of the day. I need to get used to being alone again. I guess this weekend was good practice for that.

–*–

For a while she tried to put the puzzle together by placing all the other pieces around one particular piece. She was then forced to try another strategy. Now, she can’t seem to make that piece fit in with the rest of the puzzle. What happened?