I am taking a very interesting online course - the psychology of death and dying. Each week (it’s a fast-track course) we are to post our responses to two questions on the discussion board. Two weeks ago we were asked to write about what we fear about our own death and dying. My response was the following:
I’ve thinking about my response to this assignment for days, questioning myself and sorting out what it is I fear about my death or dying. My first response was fear of a crime-related violent death, as I wouldn’t want those who love me to have yet another issue to deal with after my loss. My grandparents lost a child to a violent death and the emotional and psychological processes of that loss were pretty tough on them. As I gave this more thought, I also realized that what scares me about this type of death is seeing the dark side of another human being. Another response was fear of dying of a chronic illness that would cause prolonged and intense pain. One thing that scares me about this is the pain itself. I have been very blessed with having experienced very little physical pain in my life so far, so I can’t imagine what it must be like to suffer the intense pain that I see patients at work tolerate (I work at an ER). The emotional, physical and financial drain that my illness could impose on my loved ones also scares me because I would not like to be a burden to anyone. It was at this point in my thought process that I noticed that my responses focused a lot on the suffering that my loved ones might experience because of my death and not really on what I fear about this inevitable life event.
So, after giving it more thought, I can say that I fear being separated from all those and all that that I love and appreciate. I have a tremendous fear of no longer enjoying the company of family, friends and pets and the mere presence of those wonders in nature- from the ladybugs, butterflies and hummingbirds that visit my garden to the beautiful full moon I admire each month. I fear being separated from who and what brings joy and peace into my life. I fear missing them. I fear no longer: enjoying wonderful moments of laughter, sharing and closeness with my best friend, who happens to be my mom; getting one of my grandmother’s warm hugs; seeing my goddaughter grow up and discover this world; receiving the nice welcome of six tail-wagging dogs and three purring cats when I come home from work; or absorbing the marvelous colors of a sunset.
As to what is most important to me about being alive, I would say that it is striving to be a better person, one who is part of a community. I value being able to contribute positively to the lives of those around me, whether they be human or non-human. It’s difficult for me to put this into words and I feel it is best expressed by the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi:
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
I’d like to end my post by sharing two sentences I read in our textbook that have given me food for thought since I read them. They made me reflect on the importance of learning to cope with all that life has to offer us, including death, and of living our uniques lives to the fullest.
“The way we cope with dying will likely reflect the ways we’ve coped with living, the ways we’ve coped with other losses and changes in our lives.” (page 184)
“In a sense, then, a person’s death is as unique as his or her life.” (page 194)
NOTE: Our textbook is The Last Dance: Encountering Death and Dying (Seventh Edition) by Lynne Ann DeSpelder and Albert Lee Strickland
